by Stanley Scism

Some years ago, my father, Harry Scism, having heard of problems in our Kolkata church, went unannounced to see what was going on.  When he got to the business where our pastor worked, he found it was an Urdu newspaper (as the pastor had said) but also a Muslim newspaper.  He asked where the man was, and the editors said he was sick that day, and at home, then asked what my father had to do with him.  Harry Scism said, ‘He’s our pastor.’  They were very upset because they understood him to be a Muslim.  Dad said, ‘Are we talking about the same person?  He has a son about that tall, named Abraham’.  ‘Yes, but his name is Ibrahim.’

So my dad went to the man’s house.  The apartment was in a block that overlooked a small grassy area and, as my father approached, he saw a man standing in that grassy area who looked, from the back of his head, as if he might be the same man, but the man was smoking.  Dad walked up to and then around him, saw his face, confirmed that he was the same man, said he’d been to the office and that neither himself nor the editors appreciated the double life this man had been living, that he was therefore no longer a minister with our organization.

So there are times when you need to approach undercover, incognito.

Alexandra Alter in ‘Mystery Worshipper’ in Wall Street Journal, reports on churches using undercover inspectors to check on their own churches, to get an outside view.

For instance, Mr. Harrison, former pastor, now inspector who often says, ‘I was horrified’ of dust bunnies and rude church members, pretendes he’s a first-time churchgoer, sneaks around the bathroom, critiques the sermon, points out imperfections.

Here’s a checklist of things Harrison commented on.  Gives you an idea for creating your own:

CATEGORY: Sidewalks
COMMENT: “The brick-paved island in front of Arena needs attention. Some weeds are growing through the cracks.”
GRADE: Yellow Light

CATEGORY: Tissue
COMMENT: “Tissue boxes are placed at the end of each row. All looked tidy.”
GRADE: Green Light

CATEGORY: Parking-lot greeters
COMMENT: “From the parking lot into the church, I was not greeted by anyone. Upon leaving church and returning to my car, I was greeted by very friendly man who wished me ‘a good day.’ ”
GRADE: Yellow Light

CATEGORY: Greeters in the sanctuary
COMMENT: “I was not greeted upon entering the seating area in either service. In the second service, I even moved to a second area of the auditorium about 10 minutes into the service — but still no greeting.”
GRADE: Red Light

CATEGORY: Sermon
COMMENT: “The message is appropriate and meaningful. It is challenging and inspiring.”
GRADE: Green Light

[That 'green light] probably helped on his fee and the desire of the pastor to have him return.  To be fair, the very fact that the pastor hired him at all probably indicates the pastor really cares, and a higher chance that he would consider the congregation when he speaks.]

I’d love to be paid to come in, sit back, take notes, and fuss at everything about a church.  For some of us, this sort of thing comes naturally.  I’ve got the gift!

Here’s some more on Thomas Harrison’s list:  faded stripes in the parking lot, cobwebs, ceiling panels that leak, weeds growing in the parking lot, loose lighting fixtures, fuse box missing a lid.

If people see him snooping, he has his lie:  Says he’s the pastor’s friend, is tourist to get ideas before redoing his own church.

He’ll call to test voicemail, scroll through the church’s website, ask a clerk at a nearby shop if he knows anything about the church.  He has a ’round, dimpled face, a salt-and-pepper mustache and a talent for blending into crowds’–find that man!  He scribbles notes on a tiny pad in his palm.

How are the hospitality, cleanliness, and worship experience at your church?  Do you use ushers?  Do members ask visitors their name, church background, spiritual condition?  Do they invite them to return? Sure, consultants notice these things.  So do new members.  Get feedback from the new visitors, or, if they don’t get back to you, then from the members who invited them.

Do people reach right over the guest to shake a friend’s hand, without excusing or introducing themselves?  Do congregants complain about the pastor?

He was associate pastor at three churches in Oklahoma, had been a secret shopper for a pizza restaurant, read a book called ‘The Five Star Church’, thought churches could benefit from similar scrutiny, contacted the author and suggested a service based on the book.  The author liked it and offered to be the guinea pig.  The results shocked him. ‘We came in at 3.5.’

I wonder if Harrison could withstand this scrutiny himself if someone checked his house, his car, his life.  If not, doesn’t this nitpicking involve some hypocrisy?

Another pastor, in a booming area, but not attracting new members, asked his opinion, and he suggested changing the church’s name and its 25-year-old wooden sign with Old English-style lettering.  He recommended changing the worship music–have a traditional early morning service with well-known hymns for an older crowd, and a later service contemporary with a lively band.  Same idea I’ve given people.

Some fuddy-duddies who don’ t have to grow a congregation might complain that considering the people is a new-fangled motion, but the shepherd was always supposed to look after the sheep.  One pastor (with 2000 people) said, ‘My competition is Cracker Barrel restaurant down the street.  If they go in there and are treated more like family….then it’s lights out for me.”

Yes, we want the visitor’s view.  But we can get that from regular visitors by contacting them at the contact information on the visitor information cards, or from the friends, our church members, who invited them.