Eating a snack makes me feel guilty because wonder how many gallons of trans facts I consume over years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she previously placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. 

Thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now must use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, for the same reason, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,234,567,890th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL will send me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 9,876,543,210 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.  And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my nether regions.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy petrol from certain fuel companies!

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors’ ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way…..

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.