If you don't, I'll just throw it away! Quick, eat it—it’s spoiling! Eat it before I give it to an animal.
I said this elsewhere and the best response was, ‘That's really inviting...I'm full.’ Another person said it’s not fit for man or beast, but my neighbor's noisy little dog comes to mind.... Another person said, ‘You make it sound so appetizing, how can I resist?’ One man stipulated, ‘Only if there is a green moldy growth growing on the fault!’ My reply (allusion to Dr Seuss’ ‘Grean Eggs and Ham’ and MAD Magazine’s Spoof ‘Eggs and Green Ham’):
I do not like green mold, O Steve
I do not like it, I believe.
A dear friend urges, ‘Eat it before it becomes an animal...’ That suggestions stimulates my thought processes: did the neighbor's dog evolve this way?
While cleaning kitchen cabinets, I happened upon the following two things already opened:
1. a jar of peanut butter that says it is to be sold by 2010.
2. a tin of chocolate-with-mint powder for drinking chocolate, 2006 vintage (was that a good year?).
I smell the peanut butter. I’ve heard this stuff is not supposed to spoil (a friend tells me that’s incorrect, and that it turns rancid), but, although the color is unchanged, it smells unlike peanut butter is supposed to, so I decide not to risk it.
The chocolate powder, being a dry good, I try, but the taste is strange--I don't know if this is due to the mint or because vast colonies of various diseases carried by black widow spiders and brown recluses and rattlesnakes and desert scorpions have intermingled and evolved whole new civilizations on my taste buds and are now being given a jump start by my gastric juices and I'll be dead before morning, like those people in history who passed away due to 'a surfeit of eels'. So after two tastes, out goes the chocolate powder, too. As Calvin from 'Calvin and Hobbes' says, 'I don't want to eat something that prints right on the box the date when you might expire'.
One elderly friend says, ‘Stanley, I eat all the expired stuff and I am still living. I grew up very poor through the forties when food was rationed. We removed the little bugs from the flour and other things and ate it. People are so spoiled now.’ I hear what she’s saying about people being spoiled—I read where a cartoonist agonized over spots on a banana.
A friend responds to my culinary excavations: ‘Great stuff sir. If you choose (hopefully) not to consume the peanut butter yourself, might consider using it as bait in rat traps. Then, some night you'll be awakened to a very large WHACK with muffled after-tones like metal tapping against the floor in a strangely non rhythmic cadence….then it stops. Only then you'll know the choice was wise to keep the expired PB. As you lie there being thankful, the jingle comes to you: "Rat-a- tat, tat who needs a cat, Peanut butter kills them flat" or...or something like that’. He’s a genius.
One lady advocates decluttering: ‘I started decluttering in 2014. It started w/ a drawer, and then a closet—I took loads of stuff to the Goodwill, to Friendtinque, extra craft supplies to my work, gave things away. It was like peeling an onion—the more stuff I got rid of, the more I found! I thought I was done, and then—an event similar to yours—was looking for one thing in a not-often-looked-in kitchen cabinet, and found stuff that had expired about the same dates you found. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN!? So I put outdated stuff on the compost pile & that way I didn't "waste" it!’
Personally, I consoled myself with black raspberry dark chocolate chunk ice cream and chocolate chip cookies, then went to a fast food place, where the lady at the counter had vivid colored hair—a color that reminds me of photography of nebulae. This put me in a sci-fi mood. She also had bright yellow-with-sparkles fingernail paint on nails that looked almost as big as skateboards (a tagged a friend about this exaggeration, and he replied, ‘Nothing wrong with a little exaggeration. After all, I’ve heard preaching before’). Anyway, the restaurant service was excellent—otherworldly experience!