Stanley Scism

English Irregular Verbs:

I have an independent mind, you are an eccentric, he is around the twist.

Wife: Darling, will you kill the flies in here?

Husband: OK

Wife: (some time later) Did you get any?

Husband: Yes, six. Four male and two females.

Wife: How can you tell?

Husband: Four were on a beer can, two were on the phone.

Elephant drinking from a river sees a turtle sleeping on a log, walks over, kicks it right across the river.

Giraffe says, ‘Why did you do that?’

Elephant: ‘Because I recognized that turtle. He bit my trunk fifty-three years ago.’

Giraffe: ‘Wow! What a memory!’

Elephant: ‘Yes. Turtle recall.’

Stupid/ Profound? Funny Headlines: (Stanley Scism’s comments in this font)

Youth Hit By Car Riding Bicycle (newspaper headline) that’s one agile car!

‘A community policeman stopped him for not riding a motorcycle while wearing a helmet, York magistrates heard.’ Evening Post (York, England)

‘According to Colonial War Memorial Hospital staff, the woman was brought in after the accident by witnesses at the scene and was taken in for obliteration.’ Daily Post (Fiji)

I hope they mean ‘interrogation.’

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one.. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that lamp!

4. Rottweiiler: Make me!

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I don’t see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or “We don’t need no light bulb.”

12. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

14. Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

“How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

Feel Like Dancing?

“Snowball is a medium sulphur crested Eleanora cockatoo and he loves to dance and sing. He loves the Back Street Boys. No one taught Snowball to dance…he just heard this song and suddenly felt like dancing. We’re all jealous because he can outdance each one of us…nobody likes a show off! When he’s really in the mood, he dances and sings. And at the end of the performance he takes a bow or two or twenty!! Enjoy the show”

Click Here to Watch it

“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.”    
Francois Rabelais

“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.”         Taylor Meade

“Never answer a letter until you get a second one on the same subject from the same person” 
Michael O’Hagan

“If Bret Harte ever repaid a loan, the incident failed to pass into history.”  
Mark Twain

“There are three easy ways of losing money–racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain.”         
Lord Amherst

“Fire the whole purchasing department.  They’d hire Einstein and then turn down his requisition for a blackboard.”         
Robert Townsend

“One way to solve all the traffic problems would be to keep all the cars that aren’t paid for off the streets.”
Will Rogers

“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”   
Groucho Marx

Through three cheese trees,
three free fleas flew. 
While these fleas flew,
freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these cheese trees freeze. 
Freezy trees made these three fleas sneeze.

Laura Brown’s Cute Little Medieval Nursery Rhymes For Old Children 

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

All