Stanley Scism » Humor

Bat Tutorial

Stanley Scism — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 05:43:41 +0000

Earth is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures. Here are three from the Bat Family–without the need for resorting to fiction.

Sucker-footed Bat

Red-Winged Fruit Bat

Left-Winged Ding Bat–incapable of many things, including flying, it sucks the blood out of US taxpayers.

You want me to do WHAT?

Stanley Scism — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 05:50:23 +0000

I think the alligators put up the sign.

Valentine’s Day Special: Why Women Need Flowers

Stanley Scism — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 16:55:09 +0000

A Well-Planned Retirement

Stanley Scism — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 06:00:24 +0000

Outside England’s Bristol Zoo is a parking
lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 pound sterling for cars, 5 for buses.

One day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he didn’t show up, so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The council researched, then replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on
the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own, then simply begun to show up every day, collect and keep parking fees, estimated at about $560 per
day–for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million!
……
And no one even knows his name.

Just checking to see if you are at your computer

Stanley Scism — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 05:57:35 +0000

You are! Please note below the Wise Oracles…

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Love is grand! Divorce is a hundred grand.

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I am in shape. Round is a shape.
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Time: great healer, lousy beautician.

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Conscience hurts when everything else feels good.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

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Even if you are on the right track, you get run over if you just sit there.
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An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

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There will always be death and taxes, but death doesn’t get worse every year.

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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday..

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I am not overweight; I’m a nutritional overachiever.

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I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

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Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

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A day without sunshine is like night.

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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

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Brain cells come and brain cells go; fat cells live forever.

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Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.

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Smile. Laugh. A happy heart is good medicine.

Warning: new scam

Stanley Scism — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 06:02:46 +0000

Warning: new scam. Police say this gang usually has four members–one adult and three minors. The three kids, looking sweet and innocent, distract the victim while the adult from the back expertly rifles his/her pockets/purses/bags.

You have been warned.

2009 Woman Driver Awards

Stanley Scism — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 19:40:08 +0000

10th Place

Goes to:

9th Place Goes

To:

8th Place Goes

To:

7th Place Goes

To:

6th Place Goes

To:

5th Place Goes

To:

4th Place Goes

To:

The Bronze

Medal Winner:

The Silver

Medal Winner:

Her helmet is

being worn backwards

. and

finally, here is our 2009 Women Drivers Awards

*** Gold

Medal Winner ***

The Economy, How Bad Is It?

Stanley Scism — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 19:17:26 +0000

1. The economy is so bad… I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. The economy is so bad… I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, ‘Can you afford fries with that?’

3. The economy is so bad… CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

4. The economy is so bad… If the bank returns your check marked ‘Insufficient Funds,’ you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

5. The economy is so bad… Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

6. The economy is so bad… McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

7. The economy is so bad… Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

8. The economy is so bad… A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

9. The economy is so bad… Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

10. The economy is so bad… Motel 6 won’t leave the light on anymore.

11. The economy is so bad… The Mafia is laying off judges.

12. The economy is so bad… Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Senior health care solution–according to Maxine

Stanley Scism — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 19:15:02 +0000

Senior Health Care Solution

You’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, so what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You’re allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, this means you’ll be sent to prison where you’ll get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth? No problem. Need glasses? Great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

And who will pay for all this? The same government that just told you that you’re too old for health care. Plus, because you’re a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

Note: Don’t descend to dudgeon. I know the health plan doesn’t practice euthanasia. The above was humor.

Open Letter and Year-end Notice to All People Who Email Me

Stanley Scism — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 19:12:56 +0000

Open Letter and Year-end Notice to All People Who Email Me:

Thanks to your informatiive, facti-filled emails, I am totally disoriented, disabled, disengaged from society and probably can’t recover (the below is edited by me, but not mine–but it’s good):

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

If waiters put lemon slices in my ice water, I worry about bacteria on the peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. And I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what happened on it since hotel housekeeping last washed it.

I don’t want to shake hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage and/or texting may be taking the number one spot). And because men tend not to wash their hands after being in the rest room.

Eating a snack makes me feel guilty because wonder how many gallons of trans facts I consume over years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she previously placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

Thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now must use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, for the same reason, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,234,567,890th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL will send me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 9,876,543,210 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my nether regions.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy petrol from certain fuel companies!

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors’ ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.