Condolence:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. ‘He would rise to the occasion even on a crumby day’. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Bill, in the picture, is 6′ 1″.  He is also 250 lbs (is this why he has to kiss a moose?).
He is standing on his 2-ft-high back deck.  Consider the moose’s size.  And, in the kiss, the moose’s juices.

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster.  Want live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does cow eat? Hay and corn.  What are these?  Vegetables.  So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine.  That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made out of grain.  Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!….Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  You crazy?  HELLO… Cocoa beans!  Vegetable!  Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A:  Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English kills you.

Raymond Parnell sends these pictures with the words, ‘You are my friend and I am honored.’  He’s a good man.

Initiative, perception, weapons skills, speed.  What would you say this German Shepherd police dog is lacking?

Suspect behind car fires gun (see smoke from muzzle).
In very timely fashion, dog leaps over car roof, clamps on, brings him down.  The dog is so fast, you have watch this more than once to see what happened

Swine Flu Prevention Tip #1