MORE Absolutely True, Real-Life Smart-alecky
Answers to Courtroom Questions:
Q. Do you know Mr. John Smith.
A. Yes.
Q. Do you know how I can get in touch with
him?
A. Yes, I have his number at home.
Q. Do you know Jane Johnson?
A. Yes.
Q. Do you know how I can get in touch with
her?
A. I think I have her number at home.
Q. Do you know David Smith?
A. Yes, he’s dead.
Q. Do you know how I can get in touch with
him--well, know, I guess you wouldn’t.
A. No, I don’t have those kinds of
connections.
Q. Now, you’ve previously indicated that you
could not have done this, you could not have
don’t that because she was not talking to you
and could not talk to you, but, in fact, she
was talking to you when she told you she
could not talk to you, was she not?
A. Well, she was talking to me, telling me
she couldn’t talk to me. She would have to
talk to me to tell me that she couldn’t talk
to me. After she told me that she couldn’t
talk to me---
Q. Well, that’s again, your assumption. She
could have written to you and said she could
not talk to you, could she not?
A. Mr. Elkins, there’s a point of
ridiculousness.
Q. What I’m asking you is, isn’t it true that
she was talking to you at the time she told
you that she couldn’t talk to you?
A. No. That is not true. It was a guttural
utterance that barely qualified according to
the syntax of proper language.
Q. Now, Mr. Kowalski, you realize you’ve been
placed under oath this afternoon?
A. Yes, I do.
Q. And what does that mean to you?
A. Tell the truth.
Q. If you don’t tell the truth, what could
happen to you?
A. Go to hell
Q. Or something worse, go to Marinette County
Jail.
A. Yeah.
Q. Do you maintain employment records on your
employees, and do you have a last known
address on Nishon?
A. He’s either in heaven or hell. He’s
deceased.
Q. That narrows things down. Thank you.
A. He’s beyond subpoena power.
Top Ten Quotations From Actual USA Central
Government Employee Performance Evaluations:
10. “Since my last report, this
employee has reach rock bottom and has
started to dig.”
9. “A photographic memory but with the lens
cover glued on.”
8. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to
be watered twice a week.”
7. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
6. “This employee is depriving a village
somewhere of an idiot.”
5. “He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them.”
4. “Works well when under constant
supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”
3. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing,
but the train isn’t coming.”
2. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a
carrier.” And the number one top quotation
from actual USA central government employee
performance evaluations
1. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is
dead.”
Top Ten Great Political Misquotes:
10. When you’re talking to me, keep your
mouth shut.
9. My knowledge is no match for his
ignorance.
8. If we don’t make some changes, the status
quo will remain the same.
7. We have a permanent plan for the time
being.
6. We do not have censorship. What we have is
a limitation on what newspapers can report.
5. Family planning has many misconceptions.
4. People planning to get into serious
accidents should have their seat belts on.
3. The average age of a seven-year-old in
this state is thirteen.
2. These numbers are not my own; they are
from someone who knows what he’s talking
about. And the number one Great Political
Misquote...
1. If somebody’s going to stab me in the
back, I want to be there.
Top Ten Ways to Annoy Other People:
10. Adjust the tint on your videomonitor so
that all the people are green and insist to
others that you “like it that way.”
9. Practice making fax and modem noises.
8. Photocopy irrelevant information in
scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
7. Sing along at the opera.
6. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions
and then scribble their answers in a
notebook. Mutter something about
“psychological profiles.”
5. Insist on keeping your car windshield
wipers running in all weather conditions “to
keep them tuned up.”
4. As much as possible, skip rather than
walk.
3. When preaching, occasionally bob your head
like a parakeet.
2. Finish all your sentences with the words,
“in accordance with prophecy.” And the number
one way to annoy people
1. Send this list to everyone in your address
book even if they sent it to you or asked you
not to send things like this.
Wit on Religion
“Peter remained on friendly terms
with Christ even though Christ had healed his
mother-in-law.”
-Samuel Butler
“As God once said, and I think rightly...”
-Margaret Thatcher
“I must believe in the Apostolic Succession,
there being no other way of accounting for
the descent of the Bishop of Exeter from
Judas Iscariot.”
-Sydney Smith
“The three great elements of modern
civilization were gunpowder, printing and the
Protestant Religion.”
-Thomas Carlyle
“If you want to make a man very angry, tell
him you are going to pray for him.” Edgar W.
Howe
“A Calvinistic Presbyterian believes that all
Catholics will be damned because they are
predestined to be damned; an ordinary
Presbyterian believes that all Catholics will
be damned on their own merits.”
-John Bartley
“God can stand being told by Professor Ayer
and Margharita Laski that He does not exist.”
-J.B. Priestly
At the Saskatoon, Saskatchewan Golf and
Country Club course, two grebes built a nest
and mistook a pair of golf balls for eggs.
The birds have been caring for the balls ever
since. Course regular Arnie Wudrick,
wondering how long the birds will take to
give up trying to hatch the balls, says,
"It'll be a long summer for that bird, eh?
A conversation between college student and
professor:
Student: This B+ is WRONG, man!
You're dissin' me here big time!
Professor: I merely gave you the grade
you deserved.
Student: Can't be, man! This is WAY
off base.
Professor: As was your entire first
proof, in which you held the square root of
144 to be 15. It is, in fact, 12.
Student: Well, sure, from a narrow,
absolutist, Eurocentric perspective, maybe
it's 12.
Professor: So?
Student: So my culture teaches me
it's 15, man!
Professor: Fascinating. Would this be
an advanced civilization?
A friend of mine sends a multiple riddle
entitled "Chicken," from which the following
is excerpted:
Question: Why did the chicken cross the
road?
Answers:
Machiavelli: The point is that the
chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
ends of crossing the road justify whatver
motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten
minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only
kind of trip the Establishment would let it
take.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in
the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads. This brought
such occurrences into being.
John Locke: Because he was exercising
his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the
chicken's actions have no meaning except to
him.
Sigmund Freud: The fact that you
thought that the chicken crossed the road
reveals underlying sexual insecurity.
Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great
periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically
predisposed to cross roads.
The Pope: That is only for God to
know.
Martin Luther King, Jr: I envision a
world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives
called into question.
Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an
autonomous being, chose to cross the road of
his own free will.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why
the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.
Bill Gates: I have just released the
new Chicken 2002, which will both cross roads
AND balance your checkbook, though when it
divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C. Escher: That depends on which
plane of reality the chicken was on at the
time.
George Orwell: Because the government
had fooled him into thinking that he was
crossing the road of his own free will, when
he was really only serving their interests.
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical
inevitability.
Friedrich Nietzsche: Because if you
gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external
influences, which had pervaded its sensorium
from birth, had caused it to develop in such
a fashion that it would tend to cross roads,
even while believing these actions to be of
its own free will.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in
good faith and be true to itself, the chicken
found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken
crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Siddhartha Gautama: If you ask this
question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not
stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross
the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussain: This was an unprovoked
act of rebellion, and we were quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it.
I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the
road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the
road,
But why he crossed, I've not
been told!
O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing
golf with it at the time.
And finally, my favorite...
The Bible: And God came down from the
heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken
crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
When I went to the American Automobile
Association to get travelers' checks, the
lady at the counter asked me, "Which
denomination would you like them in?" I said,
"Oh, I don't know...Baptists, Methodists,
Presbyterians...." She laughed hysterically.
(She's probably still telling people that
joke at Thanksgiving Dinner, like some people
who will even print their own jokes to get
more laughs from them.)
People at the American Automobile
Association, perhaps due to a sense of
calling, can wax rather spiritual. Once while
getting maps there, I asked a lady at the
counter about the best time to visit New
England (the NE part of the USA). She
breathed, "I think it would be perhaps the
Autumn," with "Aaauuutuuuumnnnnn" in a
mystic, dreamy way. Why then? "Because that's
when you get your Fall coloring." My Fall
coloring?
That was then. Now, of course, I understand.
The song, "Windmills of Your Mind," says,
"And the Autumn leaves were turning with the
color of your hair...." That thought
depresses, making me want to sing, "Darling,
I am growing ooooolllllld; silver threads
among the gooooooolllllld shine upon my brow
todaaaaaaaay. Life is fading fast awaaaaay."
And you thought this was the humor section.
I remember my cousin, David Hruza (that's a
Czechoslovakian name meaning "horror"--don't
ask me why the family got that name--I don't
know and don't know if I want to know) and I
sang that song. He certainly sings better
than I do--so does everyone (don't Amen that
too loudly)--but he got cold feet and hardly
sang his tenor part, so the audience endured
the agonies and afflictions of hearing me
sing the harmony without any accompanying
melody. We all have our cross to bear.
David told me this
joke:
A man from Boston came out to the Western USA
because he wanted to see a real, live cowboy.
When he got out to Wyoming, he saw a man
riding a horse in the countryside, so he
stopped his car and climbed over the fence.
The rider saw him coming, so rode over, and
when they met, the Easterner said, "Are you a
real live cowboy?"
"Oh, yes, I am."
"What's that on your head?"
"That's my cowboy hat. We call it a
ten-gallon hat. Of course, it doesn't hold
ten gallons, but I can water my horse with
it, and it keeps the rain out of my face and
the sun off the back of my neck. It's a real
good tool."
"What's that on your shoulders?"
"That's my leather vest. The sun gets really
hot, and this helps keep my shirt from
fading. Also, we ride under tree branches,
and it keeps my shirt from tearing."
"What's that on your legs?"
"Those are chaps. We ride through brush a
lot, and they keep my jeans from getting
messed up."
"What's that on your feet?"
"Those are tennis shoes so people won't think
I'm a truck driver."
The main difference between an American and
an Englishman is that the Brit will not fix
anything he can endure and the American will
not endure anything he can fix. Or so said
Elizabeth Elliot, as reported in a recent
letter by Lynda Milam (a previous associate
at Scism Christian Institute).
THINK:
God made man with four holes in his head for
information to go in, and He made only one
hole in the head for information to go out.
There's that 80-20 rule again. Perhaps we
should take note.
Lightbulb Jokes:
Q. How many Calvinists does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A. None. God has predestined when the
lights will be on.
Q. How many liberal scholars does it
take to change a lightbulb?
A. Ten, as they need to hold a debate
about whether or not the lightbulb exists.
Then, they still might not agree to change
it, for fear of offending those who use
florescent tubes.
Q. How many Atheists does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A. One, but they're still in darkness.
Q. How many Charismatics does it take
to change a lightbulb?
A. Ten. One to change it and nine to
pray against the powers of darkness.
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Translation of
Church Notice Board Terminology
|
| They say:
|
They mean: |
| "informed source" |
the guy who told the guy I met |
| "consultant" |
an ordinary person a long way from home |
| "research work" |
hunting for the guy who moved my
important files |
| "in due time" |
never |
| "status quo" |
the mess we're in |
| "under consideration" |
never heard of it |
| "break down by
categories" |
put everything in a separate pile |
| "advise in due course" |
we'll let you know when we figure it
out |
A pastor walks into a pet shop and tells the
owner he needs four large rats and a few
dozen cockroaches. The owner asks, "Whatever
for?"
The pastor responds, "Our congregation is
moving, and the lease on our current place
says that when we move, we have to leave the
building in the same condition as when we
found it."
The Best of the Best of
Norm McDonald:
“In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his
eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of
his car, and an accident ensued that damaged
seven other cars and injured six people.
Which once again proves my theory--women
can’t drive.”
“Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips,
says that her talk show will be different
than other talk shows, in that she will treat
her guests with respect and dignity. And then
she will eat them.”
“The state of Michigan’s legislature has just
passed a law allowing the blind to hunt deer.
The biggest supporters of the new law? THE
DEER.”
“Earlier this week Attorney General Janet
Reno charged software giant Microsoft with
trying to monopolize access to the Internet,
and she has asked a federal court to fine the
company a million dollars per day. Analysts
say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill
Gates will be broke just ten years after the
Earth crashes into the sun.”
“Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well,
according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel
that women are most responsible for minor
fender-benders, while 78% blame men for most
fatal crashes. Please note that the
percentages in these pie graphs do not add up
to 100% because the math was done by a woman.
[Crowd groans.] For those of you hissing at
that joke, it should be noted that that joke
was written by a woman. So now you don’t know
what to do, do you? [Laughter} Nah, I’m just
kidding. We don’t hire women.”
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